There are still tears in my eyes as I type this, but since I don't have any real close friends this is my only outlet. So, my wife and I have an argument tonight and she informs me, after vigorous and heated pleading from me to get her to talk, that she hasn't been happy with since we got married (seven effing years!). She's been mad at me on a near daily basis for a lot for the generic husband things and because I haven't been too romantic really since school started, even further back. I left water in the bath tub a couple days ago and she was furious that our 3 year old son would drown because of my negligence and stupidity. I accidentally shut the door too loudly and she chewed me out for being insensitive to our son's sleep needs. A previous post of mine re: "listening" was about her. She actually read it and commented on it I think. Anyway she says she's sick of looking at me and feels like she does everything while I do nothing. This is true since my studies take up almost all of my time so I can't argue with that. It's funny (not in a ha ha kind of way) that she was the one who encouraged me to go after this dream of mine - now it's ending in a nightmare.
Our relationship hasn't been the best for a while now. She hates her job and wants a new life. She wishes that I wanted to go running and skiing every day and go on last minute trips every month and we could be this mythical uber-couple that she imagines infest a nearby, ultra-yuppie, outdoorsy, fit and wealthy community. She hates our house and wants to move; hates the city we live in; wants to live in the mountains or the beach where everyone is what we are not. Now she wants a different family. The grass is always greener ain't it Sugar? Now it's all pretty much over - at least from the look in her eyes. She'd deny it but she had a slight smirk on her face as I asked her, tears streaming down my face, if this was how it would end. She is notorious for the faces she makes - they show how she really feels. Her face was otherwise emotionless, except for a hint of irritation at having to discuss this with me. I thought we could push through these two years and then the stress would be so much less we and my son would be in school so things would be easier on us all. Not so much.
Considering how little I can count on my family for anything, loosing the only person I ever really loved hurts. It hurts knowing the pain my son will have to go through - it really rips my heart apart. He is innocent and will truly come out the loser in all of this. That really kills me. But I can't be with someone who is so consistently and utterly sick of me. To her it doesn't matter that I am a good dad - well I can't even say at this point that she thinks I good at anything honestly. My only sense is that she would rather simply have me out of her life. So as soon as I can swing it we will get this THING ironed out and done.
Financially, I have nothing and am really living off of my wife and loans. Unfortunately those loans will have to get a lot bigger soon sine I have more than a year of school left. I wish rents were cheaper around here. I wish I had some money saved. I wish I new someone I could move in with. Her parents sure will be happy. My son sure will be sad.
I imagine I'll be ending this blog anyway since no one really sees it. It's kind of like writing in a diary actually except I don't feel as wussy as I would writing in a diary. Back to studying!
6 comments:
For whatever it's worth - there's someone out here who has been reading your blog. Very sorry to read of your troubles.
I am pre-pa (which is how I found your blog), much older than the usual pre-pa, in my 50s. Been married 29 years. There are ups and downs in a marriage - it can be very tough at times - especially with young children and certainly if one spouse is in school.
All I can say is, if you both can find a way to work things out and forgive one another, it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a mother of three, by the way. Worked as a nurse and supported my husband through his last year of law school.
Best of luck.
I read your blog, and I enjoy it. Im sorry about the struggles right now and perhaps it will get better. I hope so.
I just found your blog a few minutes ago, and I have to say, as someone who is starting PA school in a month, it's so refreshing to read about your experiences. I am kind of terrified about what it will be like for me, and I too am worried about how my significant other will react to my dedication to my studies. I'm sorry that your wife isn't adjusting well, but it sounds like from your later posts that things are improving.
I'm also worried about how my boyfriend will react to all of this.. I am already seeing subtle signs of resentment from him about me being accepted into a program and how much time it will consume.
Anyway, please continue to write on your blog. It's very helpful! Hang in there and good luck with clinicals!
Though this has been many years ago, I just found your blog and I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.
Please know that many people read your blog, but few will post.
I myself am interested in pursuing PA school and it is so helpful to hear of actual experience and thoughts about going through PA school.
Your blog is helpful to many! Please keep posting!
Hi P, I just found your blog, and I sincerely appreciate the effort you have put in to document the ups and downs of PA school.
I hope you are doing well, and wish you happiness and prosperity in the future.
Thank you for your honest journal of becoming a practicing PA-C.
There are people reading your blog still :) I'm starting PA school in a few months-with a husband and 3 kids. I hope things got better for you (I'm getting ready to read further in your blog) and in a way it's comforting to now I won't be the only one on this journey with more on their plate than just school. Thanks for the blog and being real.
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