IV practice (and some other stuff)

So we had practice with intra-venous access and venapuncture the other day. I haven't done that stuff in a while but I use to be able to get 16 gauges in on a trauma patient in the unlit median of the interstate. I screwed up every attempt I had the other day. I either let got of traction on the vessel or blew through the vein or whatever. I was so nervous I couldn't believe it. My partner is the nicest young lady who was very patient and able sink all her sticks with no problem. I run through a bunch of excusses but in the end I just didn't do what I should have to get it done. Whatever sort of anxiety I am experiencing is systemic. HR, BP, tremors, insomnia, lack of concentration, nervousness.... I do have a hx of depression and the anxiety thing isn't new, it's just I have never felt it to this extent or for this long.

I know I'll pop out of this funk some time so I am not freaking out. The problem is that I am so acutely and constantly self-aware, to the extent that on occasion I can only concentrate on myself. There isn't a thing I haven't thought about lying in bed at 1 am or on the drive to school. I used to be so laid back and carefree that people would be describe me as having a type Z personality. I liked being that way. It was good. I don't really care for being pissed frequently or losing my temper over stupid shit. But I do it. I tell myself not to. I tell myself it's coming and to just let it go but I have a hard time letting stuff go. I take things personally that I know I shouldn't. I complain all the time on this blog. I know why I feel the way I do. I will feel better without the stress of school. Some free time and leisure activities will help. But, I can make my situation better if make a loved one's situation worse. Not A loved one, THE one and, well, only loved one. I can't do that yet. It's not bad enough yet. I don't know what bad enough will feel like, but I can't yet. The words and the hope work too well, ok just well enough right now. The pain it would bring him is not worth removing the pain I am going through now. She's going through it too.

For what its worth I have fun at school. Not sitting there for hours on end being killed one powerpoint slide at a time. I get along with my classmates. We joke around. We are silly. We do fun things to honor our struggle. We give each other a lot of shit. We bitch and moan. We play sports together. We drink together (not enough it seems right now). We understand each other right now more than our parents do, or our friends, or our S.O.s do, at least on some basic yet vital level. Soon that is going away. When clinicals start that support net will be gone. I hope it will come back now and then though.