It's a distinguished look

I keep getting asked by the student employees of my wonderful learning institution if I work there or what class I teach. More on these and other school employees later. It must be the few gray hairs on my head that have them confused. I'll take the employee discount at the coffee shop though.

Not what I needed at this point

There are still tears in my eyes as I type this, but since I don't have any real close friends this is my only outlet. So, my wife and I have an argument tonight and she informs me, after vigorous and heated pleading from me to get her to talk, that she hasn't been happy with since we got married (seven effing years!). She's been mad at me on a near daily basis for a lot for the generic husband things and because I haven't been too romantic really since school started, even further back. I left water in the bath tub a couple days ago and she was furious that our 3 year old son would drown because of my negligence and stupidity. I accidentally shut the door too loudly and she chewed me out for being insensitive to our son's sleep needs. A previous post of mine re: "listening" was about her. She actually read it and commented on it I think. Anyway she says she's sick of looking at me and feels like she does everything while I do nothing. This is true since my studies take up almost all of my time so I can't argue with that. It's funny (not in a ha ha kind of way) that she was the one who encouraged me to go after this dream of mine - now it's ending in a nightmare.

Our relationship hasn't been the best for a while now. She hates her job and wants a new life. She wishes that I wanted to go running and skiing every day and go on last minute trips every month and we could be this mythical uber-couple that she imagines infest a nearby, ultra-yuppie, outdoorsy, fit and wealthy community. She hates our house and wants to move; hates the city we live in; wants to live in the mountains or the beach where everyone is what we are not. Now she wants a different family. The grass is always greener ain't it Sugar? Now it's all pretty much over - at least from the look in her eyes. She'd deny it but she had a slight smirk on her face as I asked her, tears streaming down my face, if this was how it would end. She is notorious for the faces she makes - they show how she really feels. Her face was otherwise emotionless, except for a hint of irritation at having to discuss this with me. I thought we could push through these two years and then the stress would be so much less we and my son would be in school so things would be easier on us all. Not so much.

Considering how little I can count on my family for anything, loosing the only person I ever really loved hurts. It hurts knowing the pain my son will have to go through - it really rips my heart apart. He is innocent and will truly come out the loser in all of this. That really kills me. But I can't be with someone who is so consistently and utterly sick of me. To her it doesn't matter that I am a good dad - well I can't even say at this point that she thinks I good at anything honestly. My only sense is that she would rather simply have me out of her life. So as soon as I can swing it we will get this THING ironed out and done.

Financially, I have nothing and am really living off of my wife and loans. Unfortunately those loans will have to get a lot bigger soon sine I have more than a year of school left. I wish rents were cheaper around here. I wish I had some money saved. I wish I new someone I could move in with. Her parents sure will be happy. My son sure will be sad.

I imagine I'll be ending this blog anyway since no one really sees it. It's kind of like writing in a diary actually except I don't feel as wussy as I would writing in a diary. Back to studying!

Don't get me wrong

I am fortunate and 'happy' to be in PA school. Any PA school for that matter. I am making it and soon enough I'll be in clinical rotations. This schoool thing will be a distant memory before I know it. I wouldn't rather be anywhere else.

Still, isn't it human nature to see things that can be better and want them to change for the better? Am I being a jerk to complain about this kind of stuff (oh, and there is lots more!) given the fact I have been given an opportunity that many people would give there left gonad for? I guess the way I see it, as students we are held to very high standard - much different from regular undergrad students, we pay no small sum of money in tuition, fees, books, books, books, etc and we are stongly discouraged from working. We are told we must sacrifice and give to succeed. Why can't the people who demand so much from us step up to the plate and bring some sacrifice and professionalism to the game too? I understanding paying your dues and all that crap, but passing the pain down the chain, just because you can or because that's the way you came up will simply never cut it with me.

So, my regular readers out there: what do you think? Where do you stand? where are you in the this crazy process? Am I full of it?

There is always one a semester

Crappy instructors that is. In a core class, not that any are unimportant, but a major clinical discipline. This instructor talks 120 mile an hour. She crams, by her own admission, 5 hours of material into 2.5 hrs. She refuses to take questions during her "lecture." She glances over material or doesn't even cover material that she feels is important - important enough to test us on. She refuses to clarify her unclear and poorly worded test questions. The entire class is disappointed in how the class is shaking out so early in the term. I am usually the person who will talk to the instructor and let them know how things are going or aren't going - but I've been the sqeaky wheel for too long. Unfortunately no on else will suck it up and talk to to an instructor if things aren't going well. This is going to be the class we all complain about during lunch but that no one does anything to change.

2nd semester classes are under way

Our instructors told us that this semester would be the most difficult of all. They told us this was typical of most PA programs though I am not sure what their reasoning is. Perhaps their experience with other programs allows them this foresight. Needless to say, I am beginning to think they are telling the truth. Pharmacology will certainly not be a breeze. Our instructor told us that we will get about 30 hours more of pharm than the med students she teaches. I don't know how I feel about that other than to say I better know my shit when this is over. I am not terribly psyched about our Pathology instructor. He seems a little ill prepared - so we'll have to take up the slack as students. OB/Gyn will certainly be interesting - my only practical experience with the subject is recreational and the birth of my son.. Peds should be fun. I have some expereince working with them, I like them and they like me. I think they can sense my inner goofball so they tend to gravitate toward me. During the summer the neighborhood kids come by the garage to see what I am working on or fixing, or just to tlak to me. The kids at my son's school always come up to me and ask me to play or show me what they are doing. This is interesting to me because adults tell me I am imtimidating or aloof at times. Perhaps I let my guard down around kids. The other classes will be challenging as well since we will be expected to integrate all we have learned and are learning - to start thinking clinically and to see the whole patient rather than simply the problem they present to us.

Spring semester awaits!

Classes start in one week and I am ready to get crackin'. This semester I have pathology, pharmacology, OB/GYN, Peds, History and Physical, Psych, and Clinical Medicne. This round of classes promises to be very intense but at least they are more applicable to being a PA than last semester's classes. I also look forward to starting my clinical experience this term as well.
My break didn't go as I would have liked, but it was good to be able to spend so much time with my Boy.

Why is LISTENING so difficult?

Being human necessitates communication with others (absent disorder or pathology). What I continue to struggle with is others' lack of understanding that true communication is something that involves give and take, multi-directional exchange of thoughts, feelings and ideas, and a tacit understanding that the other party will evaluate your input by putting forward some effort of thought. In my daily life I, like most of you, attempt to have meaningful conversations with those around me. I take the time to listen to what the other person is saying (most all of the time) and attempt to to put togehter a thoughtful response given their input. I expext the same from others who are "listening" during a conversation with me. I expect them to remeber what I just told them, or if the other party is particularly close to me I expect they will have a memory and understanding of most of our prior conversations. I cannot describe the intense feelings I experience when I speak to someone, be it family, classmate or friend, who cannot or will not make the effort to mentally process a conversation we have shared and make meaningful efforts to have a quality interaction. My point is that so many people do not listen -they hear so that they can respond. They do not process but rather prepare to expell. So many of us are not in the least bit interested in what the other person has to say, let alone give it any real thought. No, we are simply interested in our own interests. This could be extended to people who may actually listen but choose to ignore out of hand the information presented to them. I could go on and on but you get the idea. Stay tuned for my next bitch session when I complain about people who choose not to think.